Becoming a single mum

I was going to write a long deep post about everything that happened, all my feelings and thoughts about it, the details behind it but after sitting here for last 2 hours trying and failing to do so I think i'll just say. My boyfriend cheated, I kicked him out, i cried, screamed, thought about taking my life, ended up on medication and finally moved on with my life. Because in the end those details don't mean anything to me anymore. The whys and the hows of how I got here in this place don't matter. The details that do are that I'm happy, i'm at peace with those feelings and I've moved on.

Today I start blogging again. Using this to write all my thoughts and feelings down, the past feelings they don't matter so why waste time writing about them. Instead I'll concentrate on my future and my plans for that, my plans as a single mother and how I work my way through this new journey. 

Move house

Christmas

Bean xo

A week in Instagram photos ;; June 22nd

Monday : early morning walk

Tuesday ; A day of Disney

Wednesday : Eva's school sports day (bad photo I know)

Thursday ; Afternoon snuggles with this one.

Friday ; A trip into town and a walk in the park

Bean xo

A week instagram photos.

Monday ; A walk by the river

Tuesday ; Lazy day

Wednesday ; "first" hair cut

Thursday ; new book

Friday ; A day of shopping

Bean xo

Candle Favourites.

Olivia Blake London.

Wild Mint and White Tea. 

TK Max

Price : £7.99

RRP : £25

One of my all time favourite candle scents is The White Company's Wild mint candle. I actually planned to get that one on my shopping trip today but £28 wasn't in my budget this week. I cannot tell you how excited I was to come across this candle in TK Max. The Olivia Blake candle is a little more stronger scent wise and the white company is more of a fresh mint scent to it but they are both just as good as the other and smell amazing! Honestly if you have never smelt this candle you really need to. 

Wax Lyrical.

Soft Cotton

Asda Living

Price : £5

It smells like fresh washing which is one my my favourite scents of all time. I love this.

Bean xo

Three counties show.

There is only one reason I go to this show every year and that is the food court and Pimms which for the price of the show (£21 per adult) probably makes me crazy but I do love the show for other reasons to. I love watching the men making horse shoes, (all sweat and muscles what's not to love) the animals of course and the many shows you can watch. Red devils being my favourite. This year I don't know, we got a little bored so didn't really watch any shows which is sad because they are always really good. And due to the amount of crowds we hardly saw any animals either. We did however learn that despite his love for anything car like Archie is not a fan of tractors and hates horses. The photo above showing Eva happily smiling doesn't show Archie who was screaming in his pushchair is sheer terror at this "monster" being near him. (I'm not that evil though, as soon as the photo was taken we moved away from the horses). Over all though we had a great day out and the kids loved it! - I loved getting my cheese, fudge and sausages. (and Pimms of course) 

Bean xo

A week in Instagram photos

Monday

Eva lost her first tooth while at school. She came home very pleased with herself. her two front teeth have been wobbly for ages, infact they took so long to come out that the new teeth have grown behind them! I am a little worried about this as now that tooth has fallen out her teeth are not in the correct place. I am hoping that once the other teeth come out that they will be pushed into the correct place otherwise it's very likely she'll end up with braces when she's older.

Tuesday

 The weather was amazing, so after lunch me and Archie (and my mum's dog) spent the afternoon in the garden, me sunbathing and Archie playing with his cars, chasing the dog and having fun. To keep the sun off him I decided to build him a little tent, the dog used it more then he did!

Wednesday

 My mum had been to the doctors for personal reasons and was in quite some pain, so at 9pm that eveing I walked the 5 minutes to her house just to make her a cup of coffee. That's all I did there, I had a little chat to my brother as well who was on the phone to my mum but I made her a cup of coffee then headed home.

Thursday

 Another sunny day so another afternoon spend in the garden. Archie loves the garden, it's at the moment his most used word. He will ask to go in the garden by pointing at the door and saying "Garden" then brings me his shoes. I love that we now have a huge private garden, it means we can spend hours out here.

Friday

 Thunder storms and rain. Weather wise it was a pretty awful day. I spent the evening at my mums sorting though her cupboard under the stairs and coming across all sorts of treasures from the past. This camera was my mum's when she was a teenager, it first belonged to my Aunt who passed it on to my mum. When I was little this was in my grandads outhouse (along with a gas mask and other "junk") me and my brother used to play with it pretending we were photographers taking photos of models. I am now a huge photography fan and finding this camera made my heart race. It's beautiful, although it's in a sorry state and no longer works, it's such a lovely little camera all the same.

~ You can follow me on Instagram here for more photos ~

 Bean xo

Sister and brother bond

When Archie was a baby I worried alot how Eva would cope going from an only child - used to getting all the attention - to having to share that attention with someone else. I'm not going to lie, she didn't take to being a big sister quickly, although she's always loved him, having him take some of her lime light was hard for her. She had many tantrums and tears, but once he started to walk I think it was a turning point. He became someone she could play and have fun with and she learnt that sometimes it's OK for him to have the attention and for her to stand back and let him.

Now Archie is 20 months and Eva is 6 years old, they have the most adorable bond I have ever seen. Eva has taken the roll of protective big sister and looks after him so much. If he cry's she's there soothing him, she understand's his baby talk and knows what he wants. She is happy to share toys with him and play games together. Sometimes they will sit and play barbies other times they are racing cars, and I love that! While they have completely different personality's - Eva being the bossy one while Archie is laid back and cheeky - and do like different things they are very happy to put their games together and enjoy just playing together.

They share a room now, it's something Eva was really looking forward to and now that it's happened she'd super happy. I'm actually looking forward to the day when they have bunk beds and will wake up and run into my room together all excited. Especially on Christmas morning. I am so proud of Eva and I love her little bond with her brother, I hope they stay close as they grow up.

Bean xo

Sunshine fun.

Yesterday I decided to ignore the over flowing wash basket and the crumbs on the living room floor and enjoy a day in the sun with Archie. Archie's new favourite word is garden. He will point out other people's gardens whenever we go out, and is forever asking if he can go out in the garden. So he was pretty excited when I opened the back door that he ran out screaming on the top of his lungs! 

I enjoyed a nice lay in the sun catching up on YouTube videos (I love the SacconeJolys) with an ice cold glass of coke watching Archie enjoying himself. He brought out a few of his cars and races them up and down the path, inspected Eva's bike and played with the rabbit who wasn't too pleased about being poked but still..

Once we'd picked up Eva from school, sh came and joined us in the sunshine and insisted I found her some sunglasses and get her an ice lolly. She wanted a picnic in the sun but as she was going to her grandmas for tea I just made her a bowl of strawberries and grapes which she enjoyed - Archie enjoyed feeding me his grapes - 

I'm glad I took the time to just have fun, I think sometimes as mums we get wrapped up in things that could be don't later and miss out on the little moments.

Bean xo

Mummy Monday ; Turning 26.

Last tuesday (March 24th) was my 26th birthday and honestly I had the most normal day that I hadn't got around to writing about it until today. Most people spend their birthday doing the most exciting things, but since having children I no longer want to. Last year I spend the day with a poorly Eva who was off school with the chicken pox and even did the weekly shop as though it were any other day (read about my 25th birthday here) and I basically did the the same this year. I did go shopping after dropping Eva off at school, I felt like treating myself to some new bath bits from Lush and then somehow I ended up in The chocolate Hotel buying myself (and Archie) some yummy treats before popping over to River Island and using the last of my Christmas vouchers to buy a new dress. But that was possibly as exiting as my day got! The afternoon was spent going back and forth from the local dump as I cleared out junk from my garage.

Even though I wasn't doing doing the most exciting things I honestly had a great birthday. Waking up to Eva coming into my bedroom carrying presents and singing happy birthday while Archie looked at her like she was crazy (he's not a morning person at all) then dancing to The Frozen sound track in the car all day because Eva had left it on and I couldn't be bothered to change it. Enjoying breakfast at BHS and laughing with the man who was serving me and finally spending the evening out with friends enjoying some good food at my favourite restaurant. Being a mum has taught me to spend more time enjoying the smaller things in life, living in the moment and enjoying myself in what ever I am doing. And I did, immensely. 

From the kids I got Antigue perfume from next.

From my mum I got a gaint eaten mess easter egg.

From luch I brought ; Sakura Bathbomb, Hoppity Poppity and Honey Bee bath bomb.

I also got myself a new dress (as pictured above) from River Island (here) and a fringed yellow jacket from Primark (here)

Bean xo

Now I am six.

When I was one 

I had just begun

When I was two

I was nearly new.

When I was three

I was hardly me.

When I was four

I was not much more.

When I was five

I was just alive

But now I am six I'm as clever as clever

so I think I'll be six for ever and ever.

On March 3rd Eva turned six. This was a birthday she'd been looking forward to since Christmas day had finished. I spend all of her birthday's looking back at old photos being amazed at how far she's come. From the tiny 4 week premature 15lb 5oz baby she was in to the clever little chatter box she is now. 

From the moment she learnt to talk, she's been all about animals. It's been "I'm going to a be a vet when I grow up" or "I want to be zoo keeper", never anything that isn't to do with animals. I know that without a doubt she will achieve what ever her heart is set on. With this in mind of course when it came to her birthday treat that was easy. I paid £40 for her to a be a zoo keeper for the day at All things wild. She was the first child to ever do this there as they'd only just started the zoo keeper for a day experience. Eva loved it! She cleaned out rabbits and birds, fed meer kats and guinea pigs, bathed tortoises, held snakes and cockroaches. After the 3 hours the female zoo keeper who took her around told me she was very confident with the animals, that she'd picked everything up happily without showing any fear. Of course I wasn't surprised by this, Eva will happily go digging for worms or pick up frogs nothing is too slimy or disgusting for her (although she doesn't like spiders). Her fun day ended with her choice of venue for a meal and she went for Frankie and Bennies. For an extra treat they came out with her cake at the end of the meal and sang happy birthday to her, something she loved - being centre of attention is very appealing to her!

On her birthday she had to go to school, which of course she loved as it meant her class sang happy birthday to her. We invited around a school friend of hers with his brother and sister too and had a little tea party. It was lovely.

The best part of it all was Eva telling me, "Mummy thank you, this has been the best birthday ever" because after all everything was for her as long as she loved it, then I'm happy.

Bean xo

Feeling Blah.

Anyone else feel like this, when you take a break from the internet or blogging for a given amount of time you find it hard to get back in the swing of it. You sit staring at the blank screen in front of you, writing and re-writing the first line in hopes that inspiration will hit you, and it doesn't so you end up writing any piece of rubbish just so you can say, "hey look I'm still alive and I'm blogging again".. Yep that's pretty much what this epic piece of writing was and I know your all super excited about it too. YAY! 

Bean xo

Stool Withholding.

Stool Withholding.

It is what is says, holding on to your stools for long periods of time, normally through fear, distress or pain. In Eva's case her's was triggered by a bout of constipation. Passing the hard stool caused a small cut on her anus known as a fissure. When going to the loo again that fissure would reopen causing her excruciating pain. The fissure took months actually heal but when it did it didn't stop the fear of it happening again. Her mind opening her bowels will hurt, that is fear enough to stop her actually going. I've read the longest someone normally holds it for is 2-4 days, Eva has this year been for a poo 3 times. Once last month and twice this month, I'm sure you can do the maths on that and work out that Eva holds it in for weeks.

Take your biggest fear, spiders, dogs, heights? What ever it is and imagine that you HAVE to face that fear everyday. You have to hold a spider, you have to touch a dog you have to stand on the roof of a building. How would you feel? I know that I can't even be in the same room as a spider without hyperventilating and that is how Eva feels every time she feels the "urge" to have a poo.  Complete and utter terror. 

Thankfully now I know what's going on and why I can do everything I can to actually help her. Honestly you have no idea how amazing that feels, up until a week or so ago I was lost, heart broken and reaching a point where I had no idea what to do next. 

So what are we doing? 

1. Each morning Eva wakes up and drinks her Movicol - a laxative - normally diluted in fresh orange juice as I find this is the best way to get her to drink it.

2. She wears what are known as "Pajama pants" under her knickers in case she soils herself - which she does do daily, without even knowing she's doing it - theses are for home. At school she wears a sort of training pad, kind of like panty liner that go in her pants.

3. Daily baths, after school every day she has a bath, this is keep her clean, stop her getting sore and also to stop the smells. Soiling herself everyday means she gets alot of nappy rashes.

4. Nappy cream for the nappy rashes.

5. Stickers. I have a year calender on the wall behind my computer, every time Eva goes to the loo we put a green sticker on it. 

6. Toilet time. I got this from a book I read, a daily toilet time every day seemed like a good idea to me, so now before her bath after school she sits on the loo. She doesn't go, but it's will slowly build up her confidence.

7. Rewards. When Eva has a poo she gets a treat, normally a mag or some sweets depending on what she wants - yes she get's to choose. 

How long will it take for her to be "cured"?

They say it takes the same amount of time to "cure" her that she's had it. So we are looking at possibly another year. But we are taking it one day at a time. I will get my Eva back even if it takes a life time.

Bean xo

Eva's 6th birthday.

Would you believe me if I told you that tiny bundle was Eva only one hour old? Crazy I know. In seven weeks and four days this tiny little 5lb 15oz baby will be turning six, and honestly it's gone very fast. I feel like she's only going to be five this year, possibly because PND stole the first year I had with her but let's not dwell on that.

This year I had planned to give her a party but with moving house funds are tight, so instead I have arrange for her to be a zoo keeper for the day - Something my animal mad daughter will love! Ever since I can remember Eva has adored animals, by 3 she could name all the species of Owls. Her dream since then has to be a vet and I have no doubts that she won't. Stubborn and determined she can do anything she puts her mind to. This is the reason why I decided to do the zoo keeper thing, rather then just a party at home (which she will have, a small tea party with family) I worked a zoo keeper for 2 years, Eva asks me again and again to tell her stories of what I did and about the animals. Her favourite being the time a Meer Kat bit me while I fed him. I'm so excited for her to experience what I did.

Presents. Christmas is only just over and the thought of going out and buying more things fills me with dread - my poor bank! However saying that, I have almost done. I asked Eva for some ideas, and of course she had some. Anna wig, Elsa & Anna shoes and a Kristoff doll. I managed to get the shoes but the wig and doll weren't in any toy store near me which is crazy as they were everywhere at Christmas. As well as these 3 things I got her some head phones (Frozen one's of course) for her Leap-pad as the songs on there drive me insane! 

7 weeks, 4 days and counting..

Bean xo

Cute notes.

Now that Eva can write - although there is a slight spelling mistake in the love as she adds a U as well - I get messages, cards and pictures like this almost daily. I used to do the same for my mum, I look back now and cringe, but as a mummy, these are amazing and always put a smile on my face. I have them up on the fridge, or at least I will when I get some new magnets.  The first one she gave to me is a card with balloons on the front. The circle at the bottom she told me was me, but she didn't get to finish it as she had to eat her tea. The last one was a picture. It's me with my long red hair and I'm thinking about my best friends, Eva and Archie. I love how she comes up with things like that. I love these so much and I love Eva even more.

Bean xo

So, what next?

"I'm sorry but there is nothing medically wrong with your daughter. What she has is a phobia and that's to do with her mind. There's nothing we can do.."

I've done anger, I've done crying, I've done begging.. Eva IS ill, maybe not in a way that a doctor can see, but I have. I have seen tonight my daughter lay on a changing mat crying. I've seen her run out of a room and hide away until the pain stops. I have seen her come home from school quiet, sitting staring blankly at a TV screen before telling me "People teased me today, they called me names" all because of what THIS is. 

I wrote a post months ago (read it here) I said how the last doctor we saw there offered us help, how I felt a weight had been lifted. I was wrong. There's been no change and no amount of doctors appointment's medication, or what ever else has helped. We are alone. Eva feels alone, and I hate that, I hate that my daughter feels that way. "I'm sorry mummy, I'm so sorry" It's not her fault, non of it. The pain that won't go is NOT her fault, yet daily I hear her say this. I hear her wake up at 3am every day and lay crying to herself. I go in and hold her so she doesn't have to feel alone.

"Am I dying mummy?"

It's scary how a tiny tear can so much damage to a child's mind. Eva is not in any real pain, it's in her mind. She fears going to the loo will hurt, she thinks wiping her bum will hurt and she thinks doctors looking at her bottom will only make it worse. For an adult, if we tear ourselves going to the loo we know it will heal, and when it does, the pain will go. Children do not think that way. After months of being in real pain before the tear actually heals that pain and fear get's stuck in their mind, they put pain a fear along going to the loo. It's a long process to change the way they think completely. That's were we are now, trying slowly to get Eva to understand it won't hurt that it will be okay but it's not going to happen over night.

I have learnt it's one step forwards two steps back with this and yes it could take years for her to sit on the loo like it's nothing. I am trying my hardest to retrain my daughter's brain into not thinking that way, it's hard and it's stressful and I have cried shouted and cried some more. I need help, I need doctors to fully understand and realized that she may not, at first glance, look ill but she is and she needs help now, while she's young before this get's any worse.. This is one thing my daughter will not being alone. I am fighting with her, to get the help she needs. She WILL get it and she WILL get better.

Bean xo

Archie : 15 month on

My last "baby" update was when Archie was 9 months, he's 15 months now so this is long overdue. A part of me wishes that I'd kept a more detailed monthly update of him (and his big sister) but then thanks to social media I have his milestones written down in the form of a Facebook status. Anyway, let's talk about Archie shall we?

Personality.

Loud. Cheeky. Silly. Drama queen. Stubborn. Happy. Funny. Loving. All of the above could be used to describe the person he's becoming. Cheeky, though is what he is, to the core. I adore this photo of him, just because it shows off the real him. He isn't smiling, this is his "I'm about to do something naughty" face and I believe he did seconds after I took the photo. His new "thing" is to walk along the length of the living room, get half way throw himself on to the floor in the most dramatic way and then start to cry. It's so amusing! The tantrums have just started because he's very stubborn. He won't expect when something won't work like his click clack cars, he uses car's far to big to go down the ramp and then throws huge tantrums which ends in the click clack track being knocked over and him laying on the floor screaming. He will repeat this for ages until finally giving up and just using the cars made for it instead. 

Eating habits.

He hates food, okay so not hate, but meal times are a mission. I try to give him the same healthy meals as we get but he won't eat meat (it makes him gag) and alot of veggies are out too. He loves carrots though, and cheese, bread, eggs, grapes, apple, crackers, mash potato, fish fingers and yogurt are some of his favourites too. He still has one bottle of milk a day, before bed and sometimes before a nap during the day.

Milestones.

One of the biggest milestones is walking, he mastered this just after his first birthday, although after taking a few steps he didn't do it again for a few days as crawling was alot easier. He's now up on his feet all the time and close to starting to run!

His speech is still very limited, I am not worried at all about it. He's come on leaps in bounds in many other areas that I personally think this has meant his speech has taken back seat. He's still limited to a few words, dada, mama, nana, yes and hi but he's also learnt a few more, oh look, jack, dog, and brum brum. But on the most part he is still in baby babble mode.

He can use a spoon or fork, keep his attention on one thing for longer periods of time, wave, kiss, blow kisses and one I'm not too pleased about is, he's learnt to get up the stairs!! 

Overall he is the most amazing little boy, always happy and smiling (and only sometimes naughty) and I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried.

Bean xo

Nicknames.

Today after calling Archie by a third different name in a hour I realized just how many silly and different nicknames my children have. I have hundreds of nicknames over the years starting with Spanner when I was first born. It was given to me by my Grandad who called me Carly-Anna, adding on Spanner because it rhymed. These days I am known by family and close friends - Plus my boss at work - as Bean. (Hense the name of this blog) I think this is mainly why both of my children have racked up so many. I thought I'd share them with you.

Eva.

1. Jelly bean.

2. Roo

3. Eva-bump.

4. Beaver.

5. Mini Bee.

6. Monks 

(short for Monkey)

7. Little legs

8. Princess

9. Baby blue eyes.

10. Eves / Evie.

Archie.

1. Bug.

2. Archie-Caparchie-Lemon-Squarchie

3. Parch.

4. Mr P.

5. Archie P

6. Potato

7. Pops.

8. Poppy

9. Arch.

10. Snuggle monster.

What amuses me as wrote this was the fact Archie is only 15 months old yet has the same amount of nicknames already as his 5 year old sister. I have probably missed out a few but you get the idea. It's crazy how many names they actually have or had over the years. 

What weird and wacky nicknames do you or your children have?

Bean xo

Charity shop haul

Please excuse the bad lighting in the following pictures, they were taken in the evening and my living room lighting is awful!

Hi peeps. As it was a Saturday I decided to pop into town after work and have a look around the charity shops, I have to say I was a little disappointed. I found no books for the kids, nor clothes or toys (they were either not in their size, far too damaged or something they wouldn't like) however I did manage to set myself a few little things.

1. A weekly planner. As a working mummy (or just a mum in general) this is a must for me. Normally I have a family planner calender but I didn't buy one this year. This fits perfectly on my desk and I love the vintage tea set design - well tea is my thing. You can buy these here I got this one for £2.99.

2. A pair of touch screen gloves. I don't actually have a touch screen phone, but that isn't why I brought them. My hands were freezing and I'd left my gloves at home. This red pair cost me £1.99.

 3. Books. The Stranger by Camilla Lackberg and The real thing by Catherine Alliot. I am a sucker for the book section in any charity shop, but I have also found I am a "judge by the cover" kind of a person, which I didn't think I was (only when it comes to books) If I see a nice cover then I pick it up and read the blurb before getting it. The stranger was £1.99 and the real thing I got for 99p.

4. Wild rose soap and lotion set. Bath items don't need explaining, I love them. This little set cost me £2.49, which is actually quite expensive for a charity shop I think.

Bean xo

Happy new year!

The photo above wasn't actually taken this year - I'm yet to take a single photo this year - It was taken in December 2012 on a trip to London. I'm using it simply because it's a beautiful photo.

January 1st 2015.

I've woken up this morning in the most positive mood possible. It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do!! Thankfully Archie was feeling much better, he's had a chest infection, conjunctivitis and a double ear infection since boxing day (he was in hospital on Monday with a temperature of 39.9). He's been on 6 different medications since then - all at the same time!! - so I am very happy to have him back to his cheeky little self again. I've done lots of housework and fought the urge to put on a load of washing, only because my mother thinks it's bad luck to do washing on new years day (anyone else agree with this sillyness?) Anyway. Randomly today, during Archie's nap time I had a quick nose on Rightmove.com I love looking (nosing) at the houses on there, but this time I completely fell in love with a 3 bed-roomed house and for a good price to. So tomorrow's "Thing to do" will be to head down to my landlord (who the house is with) and see if I can get a viewing. I wasn't planning on moving, I quite like my little home but it's such a lovely house that I may be moving sooner then planned! 

What a way to start 2015! What I have learnt from life is that planned things never go to plan - at least not for me - it's the surprises along the way (Both my children for starters) that are life changing and amazing! So maybe this house will be one of them?

Bean xo 

p.s I hope you all have a truly magical and amazing new year!