So, what next?

"I'm sorry but there is nothing medically wrong with your daughter. What she has is a phobia and that's to do with her mind. There's nothing we can do.."

I've done anger, I've done crying, I've done begging.. Eva IS ill, maybe not in a way that a doctor can see, but I have. I have seen tonight my daughter lay on a changing mat crying. I've seen her run out of a room and hide away until the pain stops. I have seen her come home from school quiet, sitting staring blankly at a TV screen before telling me "People teased me today, they called me names" all because of what THIS is. 

I wrote a post months ago (read it here) I said how the last doctor we saw there offered us help, how I felt a weight had been lifted. I was wrong. There's been no change and no amount of doctors appointment's medication, or what ever else has helped. We are alone. Eva feels alone, and I hate that, I hate that my daughter feels that way. "I'm sorry mummy, I'm so sorry" It's not her fault, non of it. The pain that won't go is NOT her fault, yet daily I hear her say this. I hear her wake up at 3am every day and lay crying to herself. I go in and hold her so she doesn't have to feel alone.

"Am I dying mummy?"

It's scary how a tiny tear can so much damage to a child's mind. Eva is not in any real pain, it's in her mind. She fears going to the loo will hurt, she thinks wiping her bum will hurt and she thinks doctors looking at her bottom will only make it worse. For an adult, if we tear ourselves going to the loo we know it will heal, and when it does, the pain will go. Children do not think that way. After months of being in real pain before the tear actually heals that pain and fear get's stuck in their mind, they put pain a fear along going to the loo. It's a long process to change the way they think completely. That's were we are now, trying slowly to get Eva to understand it won't hurt that it will be okay but it's not going to happen over night.

I have learnt it's one step forwards two steps back with this and yes it could take years for her to sit on the loo like it's nothing. I am trying my hardest to retrain my daughter's brain into not thinking that way, it's hard and it's stressful and I have cried shouted and cried some more. I need help, I need doctors to fully understand and realized that she may not, at first glance, look ill but she is and she needs help now, while she's young before this get's any worse.. This is one thing my daughter will not being alone. I am fighting with her, to get the help she needs. She WILL get it and she WILL get better.

Bean xo

A photo a day : A poorly Eva

"Poorly" is the only way I could think to describe what Eva is going through at the moment, we haven't been given a medical term for it, and it's not really an illness. Writing this has made me realise just how little I know about it all, which is awful. I'm her mummy, I should know every detail.

Back before easter, Eva began complaining that her bottom was sore when ever she had a poo. At first I assumed it was down to the fact she'd got a bit constipated and it had been a sore after she went. After a week though, it seemed there was more to it, so I asked her if I could look. She was happy for me to do so. I was shocked to find a small tear which had been causing her all this pain. 

I rang up her GP, who told me she needed lazatives to soften her stools and that was it. He's a GP right? a medical professional, if that's what will help her then I shall do it. Did I question the fact he'd taken my word for it over the phone rather then asking to see her? a little bit. But again he's a doctor, he knows what he's talking about. In the end I rang up the GP 7 times. Each time I was told the same thing, give her stool softeners, increase the amount of fibre in her diet and give her calpol for the pain. That was it..

Now all of that would have been fine if any of it worked, if even one thing the doctor had said had helped even a little bit. But no! Months went by, Eva got worse, panic attacks, refusing to sit on the loo, pooing herself, tears, screaming.. I cried for her every time. Watching your daughter in agony is awful, it's heart breaking and something no mother should see, and of course nothing any child should be going through. She's five years old, and dealing with such a scary medical issue.

Last week I had enough, I rang up the GP's and asked to see a female doctor. Not an over the phone converation, a face to face one, one where the doctor can see the look of fear in my daughter's eyes when the subject is even mentioned, maybe then someone would help and understand. Eva had also taken as much as she could, before the mention of doctors had her in tears and begging me not to. But this time around when I told her, she replied with "Ok mummy", I think this broke my heart even more.

The doctor was kind, she listened, she looked at Eva, felt her tummy and told me there was no longer a tear there, that it had long since healed. She believed the pain is now coming from a "nappy rash" caused by Eva's refusal to wipe / clean her bum because it's too painful to touch. She increased the dose of medication she was on and gave her some cream. We are now keeping a "poo diary" something which to most sounds amusing, to us it's very real. Every time she has a poo we have to write it down, every detail, the time she went.. what it looked like, the colour etc in 3 weeks if she's still in pain we are to be refered to someone who can help. Hearing this afrer 6 months was like a weigh had been lifted, finally someone listened and understood, finally someone was doing something to help us. 

It's been a week since Eva has seen the doctor and also a week since her last "proper" poo. She's pooped herself 3 times a day for the last 2 days, holding it in, stopping herself going. She crys herself to sleep every night asking me "why have I got this mummy" and "Who can make it go away".. while I silently rock her thinking "I wish I could".

Bean xo