Stool Withholding.

Stool Withholding.

It is what is says, holding on to your stools for long periods of time, normally through fear, distress or pain. In Eva's case her's was triggered by a bout of constipation. Passing the hard stool caused a small cut on her anus known as a fissure. When going to the loo again that fissure would reopen causing her excruciating pain. The fissure took months actually heal but when it did it didn't stop the fear of it happening again. Her mind opening her bowels will hurt, that is fear enough to stop her actually going. I've read the longest someone normally holds it for is 2-4 days, Eva has this year been for a poo 3 times. Once last month and twice this month, I'm sure you can do the maths on that and work out that Eva holds it in for weeks.

Take your biggest fear, spiders, dogs, heights? What ever it is and imagine that you HAVE to face that fear everyday. You have to hold a spider, you have to touch a dog you have to stand on the roof of a building. How would you feel? I know that I can't even be in the same room as a spider without hyperventilating and that is how Eva feels every time she feels the "urge" to have a poo.  Complete and utter terror. 

Thankfully now I know what's going on and why I can do everything I can to actually help her. Honestly you have no idea how amazing that feels, up until a week or so ago I was lost, heart broken and reaching a point where I had no idea what to do next. 

So what are we doing? 

1. Each morning Eva wakes up and drinks her Movicol - a laxative - normally diluted in fresh orange juice as I find this is the best way to get her to drink it.

2. She wears what are known as "Pajama pants" under her knickers in case she soils herself - which she does do daily, without even knowing she's doing it - theses are for home. At school she wears a sort of training pad, kind of like panty liner that go in her pants.

3. Daily baths, after school every day she has a bath, this is keep her clean, stop her getting sore and also to stop the smells. Soiling herself everyday means she gets alot of nappy rashes.

4. Nappy cream for the nappy rashes.

5. Stickers. I have a year calender on the wall behind my computer, every time Eva goes to the loo we put a green sticker on it. 

6. Toilet time. I got this from a book I read, a daily toilet time every day seemed like a good idea to me, so now before her bath after school she sits on the loo. She doesn't go, but it's will slowly build up her confidence.

7. Rewards. When Eva has a poo she gets a treat, normally a mag or some sweets depending on what she wants - yes she get's to choose. 

How long will it take for her to be "cured"?

They say it takes the same amount of time to "cure" her that she's had it. So we are looking at possibly another year. But we are taking it one day at a time. I will get my Eva back even if it takes a life time.

Bean xo

Eva's 6th birthday.

Would you believe me if I told you that tiny bundle was Eva only one hour old? Crazy I know. In seven weeks and four days this tiny little 5lb 15oz baby will be turning six, and honestly it's gone very fast. I feel like she's only going to be five this year, possibly because PND stole the first year I had with her but let's not dwell on that.

This year I had planned to give her a party but with moving house funds are tight, so instead I have arrange for her to be a zoo keeper for the day - Something my animal mad daughter will love! Ever since I can remember Eva has adored animals, by 3 she could name all the species of Owls. Her dream since then has to be a vet and I have no doubts that she won't. Stubborn and determined she can do anything she puts her mind to. This is the reason why I decided to do the zoo keeper thing, rather then just a party at home (which she will have, a small tea party with family) I worked a zoo keeper for 2 years, Eva asks me again and again to tell her stories of what I did and about the animals. Her favourite being the time a Meer Kat bit me while I fed him. I'm so excited for her to experience what I did.

Presents. Christmas is only just over and the thought of going out and buying more things fills me with dread - my poor bank! However saying that, I have almost done. I asked Eva for some ideas, and of course she had some. Anna wig, Elsa & Anna shoes and a Kristoff doll. I managed to get the shoes but the wig and doll weren't in any toy store near me which is crazy as they were everywhere at Christmas. As well as these 3 things I got her some head phones (Frozen one's of course) for her Leap-pad as the songs on there drive me insane! 

7 weeks, 4 days and counting..

Bean xo

Cute notes.

Now that Eva can write - although there is a slight spelling mistake in the love as she adds a U as well - I get messages, cards and pictures like this almost daily. I used to do the same for my mum, I look back now and cringe, but as a mummy, these are amazing and always put a smile on my face. I have them up on the fridge, or at least I will when I get some new magnets.  The first one she gave to me is a card with balloons on the front. The circle at the bottom she told me was me, but she didn't get to finish it as she had to eat her tea. The last one was a picture. It's me with my long red hair and I'm thinking about my best friends, Eva and Archie. I love how she comes up with things like that. I love these so much and I love Eva even more.

Bean xo

So, what next?

"I'm sorry but there is nothing medically wrong with your daughter. What she has is a phobia and that's to do with her mind. There's nothing we can do.."

I've done anger, I've done crying, I've done begging.. Eva IS ill, maybe not in a way that a doctor can see, but I have. I have seen tonight my daughter lay on a changing mat crying. I've seen her run out of a room and hide away until the pain stops. I have seen her come home from school quiet, sitting staring blankly at a TV screen before telling me "People teased me today, they called me names" all because of what THIS is. 

I wrote a post months ago (read it here) I said how the last doctor we saw there offered us help, how I felt a weight had been lifted. I was wrong. There's been no change and no amount of doctors appointment's medication, or what ever else has helped. We are alone. Eva feels alone, and I hate that, I hate that my daughter feels that way. "I'm sorry mummy, I'm so sorry" It's not her fault, non of it. The pain that won't go is NOT her fault, yet daily I hear her say this. I hear her wake up at 3am every day and lay crying to herself. I go in and hold her so she doesn't have to feel alone.

"Am I dying mummy?"

It's scary how a tiny tear can so much damage to a child's mind. Eva is not in any real pain, it's in her mind. She fears going to the loo will hurt, she thinks wiping her bum will hurt and she thinks doctors looking at her bottom will only make it worse. For an adult, if we tear ourselves going to the loo we know it will heal, and when it does, the pain will go. Children do not think that way. After months of being in real pain before the tear actually heals that pain and fear get's stuck in their mind, they put pain a fear along going to the loo. It's a long process to change the way they think completely. That's were we are now, trying slowly to get Eva to understand it won't hurt that it will be okay but it's not going to happen over night.

I have learnt it's one step forwards two steps back with this and yes it could take years for her to sit on the loo like it's nothing. I am trying my hardest to retrain my daughter's brain into not thinking that way, it's hard and it's stressful and I have cried shouted and cried some more. I need help, I need doctors to fully understand and realized that she may not, at first glance, look ill but she is and she needs help now, while she's young before this get's any worse.. This is one thing my daughter will not being alone. I am fighting with her, to get the help she needs. She WILL get it and she WILL get better.

Bean xo

Archie : 15 month on

My last "baby" update was when Archie was 9 months, he's 15 months now so this is long overdue. A part of me wishes that I'd kept a more detailed monthly update of him (and his big sister) but then thanks to social media I have his milestones written down in the form of a Facebook status. Anyway, let's talk about Archie shall we?

Personality.

Loud. Cheeky. Silly. Drama queen. Stubborn. Happy. Funny. Loving. All of the above could be used to describe the person he's becoming. Cheeky, though is what he is, to the core. I adore this photo of him, just because it shows off the real him. He isn't smiling, this is his "I'm about to do something naughty" face and I believe he did seconds after I took the photo. His new "thing" is to walk along the length of the living room, get half way throw himself on to the floor in the most dramatic way and then start to cry. It's so amusing! The tantrums have just started because he's very stubborn. He won't expect when something won't work like his click clack cars, he uses car's far to big to go down the ramp and then throws huge tantrums which ends in the click clack track being knocked over and him laying on the floor screaming. He will repeat this for ages until finally giving up and just using the cars made for it instead. 

Eating habits.

He hates food, okay so not hate, but meal times are a mission. I try to give him the same healthy meals as we get but he won't eat meat (it makes him gag) and alot of veggies are out too. He loves carrots though, and cheese, bread, eggs, grapes, apple, crackers, mash potato, fish fingers and yogurt are some of his favourites too. He still has one bottle of milk a day, before bed and sometimes before a nap during the day.

Milestones.

One of the biggest milestones is walking, he mastered this just after his first birthday, although after taking a few steps he didn't do it again for a few days as crawling was alot easier. He's now up on his feet all the time and close to starting to run!

His speech is still very limited, I am not worried at all about it. He's come on leaps in bounds in many other areas that I personally think this has meant his speech has taken back seat. He's still limited to a few words, dada, mama, nana, yes and hi but he's also learnt a few more, oh look, jack, dog, and brum brum. But on the most part he is still in baby babble mode.

He can use a spoon or fork, keep his attention on one thing for longer periods of time, wave, kiss, blow kisses and one I'm not too pleased about is, he's learnt to get up the stairs!! 

Overall he is the most amazing little boy, always happy and smiling (and only sometimes naughty) and I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried.

Bean xo

Happy new year!

The photo above wasn't actually taken this year - I'm yet to take a single photo this year - It was taken in December 2012 on a trip to London. I'm using it simply because it's a beautiful photo.

January 1st 2015.

I've woken up this morning in the most positive mood possible. It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do!! Thankfully Archie was feeling much better, he's had a chest infection, conjunctivitis and a double ear infection since boxing day (he was in hospital on Monday with a temperature of 39.9). He's been on 6 different medications since then - all at the same time!! - so I am very happy to have him back to his cheeky little self again. I've done lots of housework and fought the urge to put on a load of washing, only because my mother thinks it's bad luck to do washing on new years day (anyone else agree with this sillyness?) Anyway. Randomly today, during Archie's nap time I had a quick nose on Rightmove.com I love looking (nosing) at the houses on there, but this time I completely fell in love with a 3 bed-roomed house and for a good price to. So tomorrow's "Thing to do" will be to head down to my landlord (who the house is with) and see if I can get a viewing. I wasn't planning on moving, I quite like my little home but it's such a lovely house that I may be moving sooner then planned! 

What a way to start 2015! What I have learnt from life is that planned things never go to plan - at least not for me - it's the surprises along the way (Both my children for starters) that are life changing and amazing! So maybe this house will be one of them?

Bean xo 

p.s I hope you all have a truly magical and amazing new year!

Hello 2015

Four things I want to do this year :

1. Be more active on my blog. I have struggled doing so this year due to my very stressful personal life, but with the new year approaching and a fresh start to be had, this is the first thing I feel I need to address. A new look and a whole new fresh way of doing things - keep your eyes peeled!

2. Take more photos. I lost so much love towards photography during my pregnancy with Archie which I have struggled to get back, but this year I plan to get out more and take alot more photos.

3. Say yes more. My confidence or lack of holds me back and prevents me from doing so many things! This year I will be saying YES alot more.

4. Be more healthy. I used to go to the gym and swim weekly so this is something I really need to get back into. I plan to start doing a daily workout and jogging from the new year as well as eating more healthy. (Not to loose weight!!)

None of the things above include my children, these are personal goals for myself. Monthly I will be doing little "to do lists" things I want to do with them or for them, small things like going to park or painting a picture.

I'm hoping that 2015 for me, is less stressful and more fun. Here's hoping! 

Bean xo