So, what next?

"I'm sorry but there is nothing medically wrong with your daughter. What she has is a phobia and that's to do with her mind. There's nothing we can do.."

I've done anger, I've done crying, I've done begging.. Eva IS ill, maybe not in a way that a doctor can see, but I have. I have seen tonight my daughter lay on a changing mat crying. I've seen her run out of a room and hide away until the pain stops. I have seen her come home from school quiet, sitting staring blankly at a TV screen before telling me "People teased me today, they called me names" all because of what THIS is. 

I wrote a post months ago (read it here) I said how the last doctor we saw there offered us help, how I felt a weight had been lifted. I was wrong. There's been no change and no amount of doctors appointment's medication, or what ever else has helped. We are alone. Eva feels alone, and I hate that, I hate that my daughter feels that way. "I'm sorry mummy, I'm so sorry" It's not her fault, non of it. The pain that won't go is NOT her fault, yet daily I hear her say this. I hear her wake up at 3am every day and lay crying to herself. I go in and hold her so she doesn't have to feel alone.

"Am I dying mummy?"

It's scary how a tiny tear can so much damage to a child's mind. Eva is not in any real pain, it's in her mind. She fears going to the loo will hurt, she thinks wiping her bum will hurt and she thinks doctors looking at her bottom will only make it worse. For an adult, if we tear ourselves going to the loo we know it will heal, and when it does, the pain will go. Children do not think that way. After months of being in real pain before the tear actually heals that pain and fear get's stuck in their mind, they put pain a fear along going to the loo. It's a long process to change the way they think completely. That's were we are now, trying slowly to get Eva to understand it won't hurt that it will be okay but it's not going to happen over night.

I have learnt it's one step forwards two steps back with this and yes it could take years for her to sit on the loo like it's nothing. I am trying my hardest to retrain my daughter's brain into not thinking that way, it's hard and it's stressful and I have cried shouted and cried some more. I need help, I need doctors to fully understand and realized that she may not, at first glance, look ill but she is and she needs help now, while she's young before this get's any worse.. This is one thing my daughter will not being alone. I am fighting with her, to get the help she needs. She WILL get it and she WILL get better.

Bean xo

Our Christmas tree

 Our Christmas tree went up on the first weekend of December, like always. Eva was very helpful this year, helping me with those annoying branches and hanging up the baubles. Every year since Eva was a baby we have added a new bauble, normally she makes them and this year was no different. She painted two clay baubles - one for her and one for Archie to hang from the tree. Her first bauble on the tree was her name on a clay angel. I searched high and low for the same one for Archie but no luck so his is a green one with his name on. I love my tree, simply because it's filled with so many memories. As they get older I can look at the different things on the tree with a smile on my face. 

Bean xo

A photo a day : Slimbridge wetland centre.

Okay so I am day late with this one, but lets just pretend that it is still Friday.. 

We had been planning this trip since last summer when I was heavily pregnant with my boy. Slimbridge (or duck land as Eva calls it) is one of our favourite places to visit. As a toddler Eva adored birds and this being mainly a duck / bird place was the perfect place in her eyes. I would reccommend checking out the events before you go as it's a seasonal place, meaning not all activities are available due to weather etc. 

One new feature was the "passport". Each child was given a passport and every activity on it that they completed they were given a sticker. If they collected all of them, then they got a certificate. Sadly we weren't able to complete all the activities due to the closing hours of each one (check before you go and plan your day - had we been aware of the new passport we'd have done just this) Still Eva completed, feeding the ducks (with the bird seed provided), looking for bugs in the mud, holding a Fire Salamander, Pond dipping and another one which I have forgotten completely! 

We had a lunch in the cafe and the food is amazing! if a little pricey, but well worth it in my opinion after all you get what you paid for. We had a lovely day, Eva loved bird watching, Archie loved watching Eva feed the swans and us adults had a lovely time too.

Bean xo

A photo a day : The Forest Of Dean

After our lazy day yesterday we decided today, we'd do something very active. Walking. Of course living at the edge of the Cotswolds, we are completely surrounded by many perfect walking sites. However, we fancied something different, so headed over to The Forest Of Dean. We have been here many times, and each time we do it rains, so I was somewhat surprised and pleased that the weather stayed hot and sunny the whole time we were there. 

We decided to take a packed lunch with us, for Eva this was a egg and cress sandwich, some fruit (Mango) a pack of ready salted crisps and a drink. I had a ham and egg sandwich, malt loaf with butter, one ginger cookie and a bottle of water. Archie enjoyed Red Pepper, sweet potato and apple for his lunch, washed down with a bottle of milk. We ate our lunch over looking Cannop Ponds, Eva fed her crusts to the ducks and swans who were swimming on the lake. I remembered we still had duck feed left in the car from our trip to Studely Grange on Tuesday, so once the bread had run out we switched to that. 

After lunch, we began our walk. Honestly, we had no plan where we were going, just walk till we were tired out and then head home. We ended up somewhere, in the woods. I have no idea where if I'm honest, it all looks the same. In the end we had a 1 1/2 hour walk and then went home. I love the drive back through the Forest and much as the walking through it. This place is beautiful, it's on our list for a long weekend away next year.

Bean xo

A photo a day : Studley Grange

We couldn't decide between The Living Rainforest and Studley Grange for a day out, in the end it came down to cost (Studley is only £4.95 each, under 3's are free) plus it had so much there that we decided to do The Living Rainforest another time. It took about an hour and half to get there, we arrived at lunch time so had lunch first. Eva had a children's packed lunch which was, a sandwich, a bag of plain crisps, an apple, 4 biscuits and a carton of juice. The food there wasn't great, the Lasagna I had was over cooked, dry and didn't have much taste but then again it was a simple cafe so I don't think it should have been anything more.

After lunch we headed to butterfly world, this also lead out to the reptiles and animal paddock too. Eva adore's butterflies so really enjoyed herself here. I managed to get some lovely photographs from here. Out in the animal paddock were pigs, ducks, otters, meer kats and ducks. We brought some animal feed for £1 a bag and Eva got to feed the goats. Archie found the goats highly amusing, he couldn't stop laughing at them, he laughed even more when the goat got hold of the paper bag of food.

Next we went around the craft village, had we known just how much things there were to do here we would have brought some more money with us. We did have a look in all the shops though, and paid to go into the little lego place, kind of like a mini (very mini) lego land. We took the children into the play zone / barn in the middle and both of them had fun playing with all the toys, ball pits and slides. 

On leaving I brought Eva a lolly pop and a teddy and Archie just had a small teddy. It was a lovely little place, very small but perfect for children - and as it's all in doors it's perfect for when the weather isn't at it's best, like today.

Bean xo

A girl called Eva.

Eva Ann Hopkins,
Age 5 years.
Favourites-
TV show : She's crazy on anything to do with animals, always has been, her favourite being any David Attenborough documentary. Cartoon wise she adores Tom and Jerry or Scooby doo. 
Food : Jacket potato. She could live off them given half the chance.
Colour : Pink. She does like purple too but pink is always her first choice.
Animal : She's Owl crazy, I think her obsession with them began as a toddler when she saw a barn owl for the first time. By the age of 2 she was able to tell you all the breeds. Her favourites still remains the barn owl.
Dislikes-
Having her hair washed. Flys or spiders. Meat. Wearing trousers. Dirt. The wind blowing her hair. Not getting her own way. These are the main things that can cause a melt down. She's beginning to get that teenage temper already, many days I've had her bedroom slammed in my face! She's a diva that's for sure.