So, what next?

"I'm sorry but there is nothing medically wrong with your daughter. What she has is a phobia and that's to do with her mind. There's nothing we can do.."

I've done anger, I've done crying, I've done begging.. Eva IS ill, maybe not in a way that a doctor can see, but I have. I have seen tonight my daughter lay on a changing mat crying. I've seen her run out of a room and hide away until the pain stops. I have seen her come home from school quiet, sitting staring blankly at a TV screen before telling me "People teased me today, they called me names" all because of what THIS is. 

I wrote a post months ago (read it here) I said how the last doctor we saw there offered us help, how I felt a weight had been lifted. I was wrong. There's been no change and no amount of doctors appointment's medication, or what ever else has helped. We are alone. Eva feels alone, and I hate that, I hate that my daughter feels that way. "I'm sorry mummy, I'm so sorry" It's not her fault, non of it. The pain that won't go is NOT her fault, yet daily I hear her say this. I hear her wake up at 3am every day and lay crying to herself. I go in and hold her so she doesn't have to feel alone.

"Am I dying mummy?"

It's scary how a tiny tear can so much damage to a child's mind. Eva is not in any real pain, it's in her mind. She fears going to the loo will hurt, she thinks wiping her bum will hurt and she thinks doctors looking at her bottom will only make it worse. For an adult, if we tear ourselves going to the loo we know it will heal, and when it does, the pain will go. Children do not think that way. After months of being in real pain before the tear actually heals that pain and fear get's stuck in their mind, they put pain a fear along going to the loo. It's a long process to change the way they think completely. That's were we are now, trying slowly to get Eva to understand it won't hurt that it will be okay but it's not going to happen over night.

I have learnt it's one step forwards two steps back with this and yes it could take years for her to sit on the loo like it's nothing. I am trying my hardest to retrain my daughter's brain into not thinking that way, it's hard and it's stressful and I have cried shouted and cried some more. I need help, I need doctors to fully understand and realized that she may not, at first glance, look ill but she is and she needs help now, while she's young before this get's any worse.. This is one thing my daughter will not being alone. I am fighting with her, to get the help she needs. She WILL get it and she WILL get better.

Bean xo