The children at Christmas

 Bean xo

Christmas.

Mulled wine, wrapping paper, brandy cream and lots of childish laughter. I love Christmas, I always have. Although becoming an adult has meant that magic that came along side Christmas has gone, but in many ways having children means I can bring that same magic to them. This year I felt it was the first one Eva really understood, she was excited more then I ever thought she could be. From opening day 1 on her advent calender she was geared up in Christmas mode, counting down the days and wanting time to go faster.

I wanted to make this Christmas all about the children, and I think I did that completely. Last year I remember seeing photo after photo of Christmas eve boxes, everyone seemed to be doing then#m. This year I decided to jump on that bandwagon and made the children one of their own. I kept it simple, some new PJ's, dressing gown, book, a cup with some hot chocolate and a teddy each. But I wanted to add a little magic to it too. Christmas eve we always go over to my aunt's house for food laughter and present giving so I used this to set up the presents under the tree (without them knowing) ready for them to open once we arrived home. Adding even more magic to it, I saw out of the window of the car a orange light in the sky - from a hot air balloon I believe - Eva saw it too and asked me what it was, quickly thinking I told her it was the Elf patrol out and about on Christmas eve double checking the naughty and nice list before Santa arrived that night. Her face was a picture when we got home to find Alfie the Elf had left her and Archie both a box full of presents for them to open on Christmas eve for extra good this year. 

Christmas day started at 6:30 am and guess who woke up first? ME! Eva had been up every hour during the night asking if it was time to go open her presents yet but come 6 am she was still sleeping! and probably could have slept longer if I hadn't of got fed up of laying staring at the ceiling and woke her up (oops). After a morning of opening presents, I set to work on the Christmas lunch while grandma (who'd since arrived) played with both children. Once the kids had gone to bed that evening I relaxed with some chocolate and tea.

Boxing day wasn't a great day for the fact Archie hadn't slept all night and woke up very wheezy. We did manage to go out for the morning, to the hunt - although these days it's just a scent trail - where all the dogs and horses leave through the village on there way. It's a big event with 200 people attending every year. Mulled cider and turkey baps on hand, and loads of dogs everywhere! It's honestly very beautiful. Afterwards we headed to the children's grand parents for yet more present opening and food!

Over all I had a lovely Christmas. Definitely one to beat!!

Bean xo

Hello 2015

Four things I want to do this year :

1. Be more active on my blog. I have struggled doing so this year due to my very stressful personal life, but with the new year approaching and a fresh start to be had, this is the first thing I feel I need to address. A new look and a whole new fresh way of doing things - keep your eyes peeled!

2. Take more photos. I lost so much love towards photography during my pregnancy with Archie which I have struggled to get back, but this year I plan to get out more and take alot more photos.

3. Say yes more. My confidence or lack of holds me back and prevents me from doing so many things! This year I will be saying YES alot more.

4. Be more healthy. I used to go to the gym and swim weekly so this is something I really need to get back into. I plan to start doing a daily workout and jogging from the new year as well as eating more healthy. (Not to loose weight!!)

None of the things above include my children, these are personal goals for myself. Monthly I will be doing little "to do lists" things I want to do with them or for them, small things like going to park or painting a picture.

I'm hoping that 2015 for me, is less stressful and more fun. Here's hoping! 

Bean xo

Our Christmas tree

 Our Christmas tree went up on the first weekend of December, like always. Eva was very helpful this year, helping me with those annoying branches and hanging up the baubles. Every year since Eva was a baby we have added a new bauble, normally she makes them and this year was no different. She painted two clay baubles - one for her and one for Archie to hang from the tree. Her first bauble on the tree was her name on a clay angel. I searched high and low for the same one for Archie but no luck so his is a green one with his name on. I love my tree, simply because it's filled with so many memories. As they get older I can look at the different things on the tree with a smile on my face. 

Bean xo

The Christmas tag

What is/are your favourite Christmas film?

One film I have to watch at Christmas is "A Christmas Carol", it wouldn't be Christmas without it. But my favourite film has to be The Polar Express.

Do you open your presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

 Christmas morning. Though as a child, myself and my brother would nag my mother every Christmas eve until she let us unwrap one small present. So she'd started to buy things like socks to wrap for that reason, so we didn't open our main gifts until Christmas day.

Do you have a favourite Christmas memory?

All of my favourite and most missed memories of Christmas are always spent at my grandad's house. I always remember every year helping him put up his decs, always 2 weeks before Christmas day and they were the most tacky over the top decs ever! But I loved them.

Favourite Festive Food?

I love cheese with red onion chutney, tiny oranges and bubble and squeak severed on boxing day.

Favourite Christmas Gift?

Last year I was given a £100 gift voucher to buy myself some things, it was from my mum's OH and I was told it was for me and not the kids. I very rarely spend money on myself - my birthday money was used to buy Archie's pushchair, so I love the gift so much. 

   

Favourite Christmas Scent?

Cinnamon. 

Do you have any Christmas Eve traditions?

I always take the kids out for a drive on Xmas eve. Then we have baths, put out the things for santa, plus reindeer food and the "magic key" then it's bed time. This year I have made Xmas boxes, which Santa's elves are going to drop off for the kids while we are on our drive. They have a new book, mug (beaker for Archie) with white hot chocolate in, new pj's, new dressing gown and a teddy each. Possibly a DVD too.

What tops your tree?
A star. Eva fell in love with it in the shop so we had to buy it.

As a kid, what was the one gift you asked for but never received?

I asked for a shaker maker. My mum did get one, but my grandad told her we had too much so on Christmas day we never got one. On my 21st birthday I opened one present from my mum to find a Disney princess shaker maker.. it was my favourite gift. (Though I've never used it)

What is your favourite Christmas song?

There is one Christmas song that makes me smile and that is "stop the cavalry". My grandad loved the song and used to sing it every Christmas while he cooked the dinner. It was always played on the radio and to this day it's the one song I have to listen to on Christmas day. It's my "grandad song", when I sing it for hear it, it feels like my grandad is in the room with me.

 What's the best part of Christmas for you? 
Just after lunch. When everyone is full of Christmas food and sat on the sofa watching Christmas TV, the kids are silently playing with their toys. that's my favourite part, looking around and seeing happiness and love.

Gingerbread man.

He's far from perfect, but for a first try I think I did quite well. I'm a bit rusty with the blanket stitch, last time I did it, I was about 10 years old and made a stuffed pink thing (I can't remember what it was only that it was pink) while at holiday club. I did enjoy making him though!

Bean xo

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas..

December 1st.. what!? Already! I'm starting this month with a Christmas Themed Bucket list.

- Make lots of Christmas decorations. 

- Bake! Cake and Cookies (and of course ginger bread men) 

- Make chutney. 

- Make Christmas cards for family.

I'm already on project felt gingerbread men, to hang on the tree. They shall probably turn up in another post. This year I am using this blog to share my Christmas, and the run up, with you. And of course I am planning on making as fun as possible for my two children. 

On december 1st : 

Advent calenders are from Thorntons 3 for 2 (£6 each)

Christmas reward chart from The card factory for 99p (in store only)

Bean xo

First Shoes.

Date : 23.11.2014

Age : 14 months & 26 days.

First shoe size : 5.5 F

Bean xo

Holidays are coming!

It completely true what they say, once you have children time just fly's by! I can't quite believe we are nearing Christmas already - 32 sleeps to go. Eva has of course already sorted out her Christmas list, since just after Archie turned one (September), she's been telling what she wants Santa to get her. On the top of that list was of course Frozen dolls. I think everyone has gone mad for Frozen this year, in a way I'm glad she's so into something, it makes buying her presents easier. I know if it's got frozen on it she'll love it!

The kids presents (so far)

Eva :

• Frozen dolls - Elsa, Anna, Olaf and Sven 
• A new scooter - Frozen theme of course.
• Anna dress
• Frozen necklace.
• Frozen dinner set
• Leappad game.
• Frozen mug

Archie :

• Musical set - including a drum which I think I may live to regret.
• Two cars - Fire engine and dumper truck.
• wooden Noahs Ark set.

Eva is done other then a few stocking fillers, chocolates and clothes. But I am completely stuck what to get Archie. His birthday wasn't all that long ago.. Another shopping trip is certainly in order.

Bean xo

Archie's first steps.

(please excuse the large pile of clothes in the back ground I was in the middle of my ironing)

Tweleve months, two weeks old and my little baby took his first steps. I guess this mean's he's not my baby anymore but actually my toddler. Crawling seems a thing of the past, or something he only does when he's mid strop. He's thirteen months now and tomorrow I shall be buying him his first pair of big boy shoes, *insert sobs here*. 

Bean xo

Postnatal depression : My story.

March 3rd 2009, I had just given birth to most beautiful baby I'd ever seen, perfect in every way. There she was, snuggled up in the blanket on my chest making the most adorable sounds. "What do you know about being a mum?" came a silent voice. Looking around the room at all the people busy with cleaning up afterwards, Sean sat on the chair next to the bed tears of happiness in his eyes.. I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. 

"She doesn't look like me", 

"Is she even mine?" 

"You can't even feed your own child, failing already"

I wish now I had spoken up, told someone that something didn't feel right but like all mum's who have PND fear stopped me. I cried alot while I was in hospital. Eva wouldn't feed and midwifes gave up helping me telling me "you can't do it" and handed me a bottle. This pushed me further in, thinking I had failed, it was a thought that remained with me for almost a year. When the doctor did her rounds she found me in tears, she asked if I was okay but that silent voice came back, "She's judging you" so I told her I was just tired. She smiled and left, I heard her on the other side of the curtain say "Some mum's just don't cope". I remember an overwhelming feeling of fear, exhaustion and failer. When Sean arrived I lied to him to and I carried on lying to everyone for months.

When I was left with Eva alone for the first time once Sean had returned to work I was terrified. I looked at Eva lay silently in her Moses basket and cried. My mum came home around 4pm and I handed Eva to her and just sat on Facebook doing nothing but reading through my news feed over and over. It became my escape. People made comments that I spent too much time on there, but nobody asked why and they were just added to the list in my head of people "judging" me. 

I became trapped in a never ending cycle, everyone would leave for work. I would do the things that needed to be done, bum changing, bottles, and spent the rest of the time lay on the sofa or on the computer, either crying or just staring into space. Someone would come home and I would make an excuse up why I needed to hand Eva to them "I need the loo" "I need a shower" " I haven't eaten yet".. 

It went on for months until my Health Visitor said the words, "Carly, talk to me". Telling someone felt amazing, I no longer felt alone. She didn't judge me, in fact she told me it was normal, that lots of new mums feel this way. I wasn't alone. I wasn't failing. I was ill. I wish I could tell you that telling her made it all go away, but of course it didn't. Eva was 11 months old when she took her first steps and for the first time ever I felt a rush of love for her. I felt my whole body relax at that moment, I finally felt like a mum. I remember picking her up and snuggling her and feeling like I wanted to cry. It was the moment I had waited for for 11 months.

PND is nothing to be fearful of, or embarrassed by. It doesn't mean your failing and it doesn't make you less of a mum. I wish I'd have spoken up right away because then I would have been able to enjoy my daughter rather just watching from the side lines. She is and always will be my best friend.

Bean xo

Finally!

I have a new computer and this can only mean one thing.. SIMS 2! No I'm kidding (she says as she uploads the game on to her new computer) It means I can finally get back to blogging. I am still getting to grips with this new keyboard (the backspace is smaller so I end up clicking the wrong thing) so expect alot of typos as I get used to it. I hope to be back up and running within the next few days.. YAY!

Bean xo

How much should we share online?

Before having children I didn't think twice about adding someone to a social media account, I'd talk to my friends about everything and share the private things in my life with out batting an eye lid. That all changed when in 2009 following Eva's arrival I met Chany, a teenaged girl from Australia. My meeting with her on Bebo was to change my view of social media all together.

When I first met her or rather she added me, she seemed fine, nothing court my eye about her at all. It was only a few weeks later she emailed telling me she'd found a "fake" (someone who steals your photo's and uses them as their own online) of me and directed me to the account. I was horrified by what I found, some random person had stolen the photo's of my daughter and we're now pretending to be me, to be Eva's mum! I quickly reported the account and thankfully it was removed. Days later another fake profile appeared, and another and another. All of them using my photos, all of them pretending to be me. It made my skin crawl. I don't know how I found out, but as it turned out the person behind it was this Chany character. I deleted her right away and made my account private but the damage was done, she'd stolen and kept my photo's on a private photo bucket account meaning she had photo's of my daughter and I couldn't do anything about it. She became slightly obsessed, finding conversations I had online with friends and copying them, using Myspace to make more fakes and having the same conversations. She changed Eva to being called "Peaches", knew details about her birth, knew details about my relationship.. even the town I was from. It was the biggest wake up I had. I cried many times knowing someone had my daughter's photos and I had no clue what she was using them for! Still to this day I don't know if she still has my photos.

Now I am very careful about the information I share online. I no longer tell people my last name, share my birthday or even where I am from. I am very private with my photos, only a handful of people can see my photos on Facebook, people I trust and know. When I began this blog I was hoping to share my son's first year and Eva as she grows but I haven't been able to. I fear someone will take those little moments and make them their own, it makes me anxious. Slowly I am beginning to share little details with the world but it's going to be a long process to start trusting the internet again.

The internet these day's is so easily accessed, by anyone of any age. When you look how many pages views you have on a post.. how many of those people do you think you know? When you share something online who are you sharing it with? do you know those people? It's scary to think alot of people log on to Facebook and twitter and happily share their lives with people they've never met and will never meet. Of course not everyone out there is a Chany, that's something I have come to realise, but with the internet being so easily accessed.. how much should we share online?

Bean xo

Archie's birth

I was planning on getting this up and posted up on Archie's first birthday but I have been super busy over the last few days that I've had not had the chnace to do so. Today Archie is 1 year and 2 days old, it's crazy to think this time last year he was this tiny little boy..

Archie's birth -

28.09.13 (5 days over due)

I woke up at 7am for the school run, it was a Friday and Eva had been in school full time since Monday. I didn't feel well at all, but that was normal nothing to worry about. I put it down to the fact I hadn't had any breakfast yet. The day carried on as normal, my tummy ache stayed all day.. when Sean got back from work he took Eva over to her grandparents for the evening so I could relax. I decided to have a bubble bath, as the bath was fulling up I went to the loo, this is when I lost my plug. Excited I rang my mum before having the most unrelaxing bath ever! Seriously I was like a whale trapped on a beach I could hardly move!

29.09.13 (6 days over)

At 12am I woke up in pain, a very sore period type pain mixed with the need to have a poop. I had been waking to this pains most nights and normally it was just from needing the loo so I went to the loo first. When I got back to bed I couldn't sleep, the pains were very uncomfy and it was now that I realised I was most likely in labour! Eva was in bed with me as she was feeling unwell and Sean had fallen asleep watching a film down on the sofa, I didn't want to wak anyone up so I lay on the bed for a while and timed the pains. They were every 2 minutes and very intense, by 12:30am I decided it was probably best to wake up Sean and get Eva ready to go to her granparents. Sean's dad was meant to drive over to collect Eva while Sean went to get my mum however he totally ignored me when I told him not have a drink the night before as I'd told him that so many times and nothing had come of it. Instead he'd had a few drinks so couldn't drive over. Eva was still fast to sleep so Sean collected my mum to sit with me while he took Eva over to his parents. My mum arrived at around 1am and begins timing contractions. They were now every minute but I wasn't in that much pain, I managed to pack the rest of my hospital bag while contracting, managing by stopping where I was and breathing in and out. My mum told me afterwards she was panicing by that point so rang the hopital for me just to give herself something to do. After speaking to the midwife I was told to come in right away, Sean hadn't yet got back from his parents so we had to wait.

Around 2am Sean and my mum attempt to get me into the car, I sit in the back and Sean shuts the door.. right away  a huge contraction hits and I scream at Sean to let me out. I felt the baby move down and the urge to push started. Him and my mum both ignore me and tell me "calm down" to which i replied the baby is coming now, get me out of this car" Sean opens the door and I jump out saying ring 999. Both of them are trying to get me back in the car but I start walking to house and start to panic as nobody is listening to me (I woke my neighbours up at this point) Sean finally opens the front door and I rush in sit down on the floor and scream again as another contration hits and I push.. my mum grabs a towel and lays it on the floor just in time as my water's explide everywhere. I took off my PJ bottoms and pants and sit with my bum in the ait and my head on the floor while Sean rings 999.. I don't hear much of the converstion apart from Sean saying "No I'll wait for the paramedics thanks.." then handing the phone to my mum and running out the room (turns out the lady on the other end was telling him he might need to help me give birth!) I am in full panic mode now, swearing at the women on the telephone who tells me all about her labour with her children which I honestly couldn't give a hoot about at that point in time. At 2:10am the first response paramedic arrives. He calms me down within seconds, grabs a towel and covers me up before having a look and getting back on his radio. He hooks up the gas and air and hands it to me. I turn to lay on my back and start sucking on that thing like no tomorrow. It does nothing so I throw it to the side and concentrate on pushing. 2:15am the Amblance arrives with two more paramedics. The first responder tells them that I won't make it to hospital and the midwife is on her way out. I relax even more now and concentrate on giving birth. It's 2:30am by the time the midwife arrives, she makes me feel at ease within seconds, I concentrate on her and what's she's saying and block out everything and everyone else in the room. After 10 minutes of pushing the midwife smiles at me and says "I can see baby's head and there's lots of hair" This urges me on and after 2 more big pushes at 2:42am Archie makes his arrival into the world, and poops all over the poor midwife! Before being place on my chest. At 8lb 8oz he was a big boy, but perfect. Infact nobody thought to check if we had a boy or grl until I'd pushed the afterbirth out 3 minutes later! I went into shock afterwards, my body went numb and I started to shake, Archie was taken off me and given to Sean while they sat me up got me some water took my obs. I wasn't allowed a bath until about 9am and it was all I wanted to do as I felt so sweaty and dirty. I requested some toast and the midwife made me some, it was the first meal I'd had in months that didn't make me feel ill.

A few funny moments.

My mum had been sitting on the floor next to me and got cramp and was moaning how painful it was. Half way through pushing I told her "Well I'm in labour I win" which made everyone laugh!.

I grabbed my mum's arm and hold on it so hard as Archie's head was coming out that I left her with a bruise shaped like my fingers which was there for a week after!

Bean xo

My pregnancy with Archie

[You can read trimester one here and trimester two here]

Third Trimester.

Week 28.

Today I had my midwife appointment and I am now feeling a little overwhelmed. My bloods came back to show my Iron levels have dropped even lower, the midwife is very concerned about this. She was talking about seeing a consultant and having a blood transfusion which is very terrifing. She's hoping my Iron levels will improve over the next two weeks, but if they drop another 0.2 then she'll be refurring me. As well as this my bump is a little too small meaning a growth scan was booked in for some time in the next week. Until then they are going to monitor my pregnancy a little closer to ensure bug's growth is good.

Week 29.

It has been stupidly hot this week, I feel so hot all the time, there's no escape from it. I hate hot weather at the best of times but it's just making me feel ill. I had my growth scan today, and everything was fine. They are putting the smaller measurment down to the way Bug was lay. It was such a relief! Seeing Bug was amazing as always. Again he has grown so much, he's huge! It's slightly getting me nervous about labour now.

Week 30.

Another midwife appointment - this one was to just double check Bug's growth, even though the scan confirmed he is growing perfectly this was just to double check. He is back to grwoing perfectly so yay! I'm getting alot of pains in my hips and legs, it's made working so much more harder. Physio may be an option but at this point I am going to try some of my own ways and the midwife's advice and see if any of it helps.

Week 34.

I saw the midwife again on Monday. As always I was measured and thankfully bug has carried on growing at a good rate. He's head down now, it's amazing because I can feel what part of his body is where. I know his feet are in / around my ribs as I'm always getting kicked in them! My bloods have got a little better, but seem to drop very quickly. I'm told once baby is born I have to have another lot of blood taken just to check I don't need a blood transfusion. My midwife is convinced I'll be going into labour very soon but I personally think this little bug is going to keep me waiting!

Week 35.

Back in hospital but this time strapped to a monitor. This little Bug likes to scare us! I haven't had movements in a while, second the machine is put on Bug started to dance. The machine was also picking up contractions (or braxton hicks we never did find out which) I couldn't feel them though but it was very strange. 

Week 36.

I'm writing this from a hopital bed. It's Tuesday evening and I have just admitted into hospital with all the signs of a stroke. It's been a pretty scary evening to say the least but I have regained the feeling in my left side now and I am just left with this awful headache which the nurses can't seem to shift. I had my bloods taken as soon as I arrived and had them redone about an hour ago. Everything was set for me to go home and then a second doctor arrived and told me it was too risky to send me home so I have been admitted while they set up a MRI brain scan in the morning..

(wednesday) MRI scan went well, I hope to god I never need to have one of those again. I've had more blood taken - the joy - and it's come back showing inflammation levels in my blood which at normal are around 5O.. mine were in the 7O's? I have no clue what any of it means, but I have to spend another night here.

(Thursday) FINALLY HOME. MRI scan came back normal and my bloods were fine so I was sent home yay!

Week 38.

I am fully engaged and told bug could arrive at any moment! It's just hit me how close I am to holding him in my arms. Once again the midwife has told me she's sure this is going to be our last appointment but I don't know. Eva may have been early but I have a feeling this one won't be.

Week 40.

I am still pregnant, and if someone asks me again I shall stick cocktail sticks in their eyes. It's honestly the most annoying question EVER. "Still no baby" "still hanging on is he?" "Have you not had it yet?" "what are you, like 42 weeks now". Sweep booked in for the 29th, I'm just enjoying the final weeks sickness and pain free. Come on baby

Bean xo

Reminiscing.

In the run up to Archie's first bithday I have found myself looking through old photos and reminiscing. Is it really almost time for him to hit those toddler years? I will miss him being that tiny new born. I will miss his baby smell and I will miss his cute baby noises, but I look forward to the big adventure we have ahead of us and I cannot wait for my first conversation with him. So I am sharing with you just a few of the early day photos that I haven't shared online as of yet. 

Bean xo

My pregnancy with Archie.

[You can read the first trimester here]

Second Trimester.

Week 15.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly sad, this pregnancy has all of a sudden began to zoom by I'm starting to feel like I can't enjoy each tiny moment because of it. I had a lovely birthday meal, first time in a while I have managed to eat more then just soup. Today we decided on baby names for bug. Boy : Archie Mark ; Mark after my big brother and Archie was a name we found in a baby book and both love! Girl : Afia Susan ; Susan after Sean's mum and Afia is a name we heard and both loved (I forget where though) I have also ordered our pushchair. Mama and Papa's moove (It is no longer avilable to buy through Mama and Papa's) which is making me even more excited, I feel very happy.

Week 16.

We heard bug's heartbeat for the first time today, it was magical. The midwife has suggested we look into home birthing due to the speed of Eva's arrival. I love the idea, Sean isn't so keen so we are going to do some more research on it. My blood work came back fine, no low iron which I am happy about. I have been trying hard to eat a more healthy balanced diet this time - although with sickness it has been difficult at times. On the 11th (April) I felt Bug's first kicks. I'd been having the butterfly movements since around 10 weeks, but feeling kicks has been amazing! 

Week 20.

I regret drinking so much before the scan, I was concentrating so hard on not wetting myself that I couldn't enjoy the scan as much as I wanted. Bug looked huge! It's quite amazing how quickly they grow. I was amazed with how detailed the scan was, we were able to see all parts of the brain and heart which was very reasuring. We also have a baby with super long legs! We didn't want to know the sex, the scanner was very good at quickly going past this part so we didn't catch sight of something. I'm convinced I'm having a boy, if she's a girl I would be very shocked!

Week 21.

Ice. Ice lollys. Ice cream. Crave! My sickness is improving every day. I have manage to eat normal meals without being sick. I've found things like bread and creamy things tend to make me sick so I've been avoiding them. Heart burn has been a killer though, I'm dusted off the bottle of Gaviscon I have in the back of a medical cuboard. Sean's been sent to buy loads of it too, need to keep my cuboard full stocked.

Week 23. 

I ended up in hospital this week, I hadn't felt Bug move for a few

days and although I was told this is "normal" at this stage I certainly wasn't taking any risks. I had some checks and then sent home. They don't put you on the monitor until your over 24 weeks which I find horrifing.

Week 24.

Another bad week. I passed out at work today. It was awful, thankfully though I work in a hospital so I was surrounded by nurses. Although I wanted to carry on working the nurse told me I wouldn't be able to. I was driven to my mum's house and there I kept on being sick. I lost the feeling in my left hand, my vision blurred and my hearing went like I was under water. It was very scary.

Week 26.

I was forced to take a few nights off work this week following yet more dizzy spells. The doctor took my blood pressure and told me it was quite low and when I stood up it dropped even more which is what's causing the dizzy spells. He also took my blood and it turned my Iron levels are very low, so I'm on iron tablets now.

Bean xo

September 22nd, one year on.

Today marked a year since Archie was due to arrive, - of course he kept us waiting and then surpised us all by arriving in the most dramatic way possible. I thought I'd mark this day by sharing with you my pregnancy journey with him. I did begin to write this a few months back, but the perfectionist in me didn't like how it was going so I deleted it all (hello OCD).. So this is a whole fresh one using only my pregnancy Journal, I shall be sharing the termesters over a few days finishing with my labour and birth. Enjoy!

First Trimester.

Finding out.

I have been saying for weeks now that I am not pregnant, that that option isn't even possible.. Well bang goes that theory. Today, after finding a pregnancy test in the bottom of a draw and my period being late I thought "what the hell" and tested. In my head I was 100% sure I was not pregnant, I didn't even really look at the test after I took it, taking it straight to the bin. A second glance though and there it was a second line. Faulty test? Nope, I took another 3 tests before investing in a digi test "PREGNANT 1-2 WEEKS". I am pregnant!! How am I feeling, shocked, excited, confused.. numb. I feel like I can't talk, mainly because I don't know what to say. I'm pregnant.. I'm pregnant before we even started to try, how did this happen!? Ok so I know how it happened, but I was expecting it take months, years even before that second line appeared. I'm pregnant, right now, this second. Do I feel pregnant? No!

4 weeks.

I had my doctors appointment today. It went well, he congratulated me which was a far better reaction to the doctor I had when confirming my pregnancy with Eva who asked if I wanted an abortion! I am on Folic acid - the tablets that made me terribly sick with Eva and I've booked a midwife appointment. I'm told there is a small chance that this baby will also arrive early. I'm not worried about that though, what I am worried about is the speed of my last birth. My doctor informed me the average labour for a women of my age with their first baby is 16 hours, I was just under 3 1/4 hours. I've been told not to sit at home too long, to go to hospital after the first contraction. Do I feel pregnant yet? No.

7 weeks.

I saw my midwife today, she's nice, made me feel at ease right away. A different one to the one I had with Eva, although I'm told she does still work there which I'm happy about, I built a fab relationship with her. I am apparently 9 weeks pregnant, I highly doubt I'm that far along, I don't feel that I am at all, so we shall have to wait and see. I had my bloods taken - the joy! Let's hope everything is fine. 

9 weeks.

I am craving my mum's pea and mint soup, I rang her at 10pm the other night and demanded she told me how she made it. It made me feel sick, so the craving went soon after, still it's my first real craving! Sickness has hit me like a tone of bricks. I was boasting how I didn't feel even the slightest bit ill, well that back fired didn't it! Walking Eva to pre-school the other morning I had to vomit in a bush.. nice! We saw our "Bug" for the first time today. Amazing. That's the only way I could discribe it! The scanner person (insert correct term here) asked me to guess how many weeks I was, I said about 9, by the midwife's date they think I'm 12, but I'm not conviced. Amazingly I was right! 9 weeks. Bug was too small for them to get all the measurements we needed so we are being sent back in 3 weeks. Bug, looks just like a jelly teddy at the moment, no hands or feet btu one very strong heartbeat. I can relax a bit more now. Do I feel pregnant now? Yes!

10 weeks.

I have the flu and I look how I feel. Awful. Time to go hide under the duvet until I feel better.

12 weeks.

Dating scan take two. I was amazed by how much our bug had grown. He has arms! I am 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant now and starting to feel that bloating feeling. I've also had a few butterfly type feelings, I've been told that can happen with your second pregnancy, which is amazing. The scan went well, we brought Eva with us, she got bored after just afew moments and asked if we could go home. She was excited to show off the scan photo's to her grandparents though.

Bean xo