Postnatal depression : My story.

March 3rd 2009, I had just given birth to most beautiful baby I'd ever seen, perfect in every way. There she was, snuggled up in the blanket on my chest making the most adorable sounds. "What do you know about being a mum?" came a silent voice. Looking around the room at all the people busy with cleaning up afterwards, Sean sat on the chair next to the bed tears of happiness in his eyes.. I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. 

"She doesn't look like me", 

"Is she even mine?" 

"You can't even feed your own child, failing already"

I wish now I had spoken up, told someone that something didn't feel right but like all mum's who have PND fear stopped me. I cried alot while I was in hospital. Eva wouldn't feed and midwifes gave up helping me telling me "you can't do it" and handed me a bottle. This pushed me further in, thinking I had failed, it was a thought that remained with me for almost a year. When the doctor did her rounds she found me in tears, she asked if I was okay but that silent voice came back, "She's judging you" so I told her I was just tired. She smiled and left, I heard her on the other side of the curtain say "Some mum's just don't cope". I remember an overwhelming feeling of fear, exhaustion and failer. When Sean arrived I lied to him to and I carried on lying to everyone for months.

When I was left with Eva alone for the first time once Sean had returned to work I was terrified. I looked at Eva lay silently in her Moses basket and cried. My mum came home around 4pm and I handed Eva to her and just sat on Facebook doing nothing but reading through my news feed over and over. It became my escape. People made comments that I spent too much time on there, but nobody asked why and they were just added to the list in my head of people "judging" me. 

I became trapped in a never ending cycle, everyone would leave for work. I would do the things that needed to be done, bum changing, bottles, and spent the rest of the time lay on the sofa or on the computer, either crying or just staring into space. Someone would come home and I would make an excuse up why I needed to hand Eva to them "I need the loo" "I need a shower" " I haven't eaten yet".. 

It went on for months until my Health Visitor said the words, "Carly, talk to me". Telling someone felt amazing, I no longer felt alone. She didn't judge me, in fact she told me it was normal, that lots of new mums feel this way. I wasn't alone. I wasn't failing. I was ill. I wish I could tell you that telling her made it all go away, but of course it didn't. Eva was 11 months old when she took her first steps and for the first time ever I felt a rush of love for her. I felt my whole body relax at that moment, I finally felt like a mum. I remember picking her up and snuggling her and feeling like I wanted to cry. It was the moment I had waited for for 11 months.

PND is nothing to be fearful of, or embarrassed by. It doesn't mean your failing and it doesn't make you less of a mum. I wish I'd have spoken up right away because then I would have been able to enjoy my daughter rather just watching from the side lines. She is and always will be my best friend.

Bean xo

Finally!

I have a new computer and this can only mean one thing.. SIMS 2! No I'm kidding (she says as she uploads the game on to her new computer) It means I can finally get back to blogging. I am still getting to grips with this new keyboard (the backspace is smaller so I end up clicking the wrong thing) so expect alot of typos as I get used to it. I hope to be back up and running within the next few days.. YAY!

Bean xo

How much should we share online?

Before having children I didn't think twice about adding someone to a social media account, I'd talk to my friends about everything and share the private things in my life with out batting an eye lid. That all changed when in 2009 following Eva's arrival I met Chany, a teenaged girl from Australia. My meeting with her on Bebo was to change my view of social media all together.

When I first met her or rather she added me, she seemed fine, nothing court my eye about her at all. It was only a few weeks later she emailed telling me she'd found a "fake" (someone who steals your photo's and uses them as their own online) of me and directed me to the account. I was horrified by what I found, some random person had stolen the photo's of my daughter and we're now pretending to be me, to be Eva's mum! I quickly reported the account and thankfully it was removed. Days later another fake profile appeared, and another and another. All of them using my photos, all of them pretending to be me. It made my skin crawl. I don't know how I found out, but as it turned out the person behind it was this Chany character. I deleted her right away and made my account private but the damage was done, she'd stolen and kept my photo's on a private photo bucket account meaning she had photo's of my daughter and I couldn't do anything about it. She became slightly obsessed, finding conversations I had online with friends and copying them, using Myspace to make more fakes and having the same conversations. She changed Eva to being called "Peaches", knew details about her birth, knew details about my relationship.. even the town I was from. It was the biggest wake up I had. I cried many times knowing someone had my daughter's photos and I had no clue what she was using them for! Still to this day I don't know if she still has my photos.

Now I am very careful about the information I share online. I no longer tell people my last name, share my birthday or even where I am from. I am very private with my photos, only a handful of people can see my photos on Facebook, people I trust and know. When I began this blog I was hoping to share my son's first year and Eva as she grows but I haven't been able to. I fear someone will take those little moments and make them their own, it makes me anxious. Slowly I am beginning to share little details with the world but it's going to be a long process to start trusting the internet again.

The internet these day's is so easily accessed, by anyone of any age. When you look how many pages views you have on a post.. how many of those people do you think you know? When you share something online who are you sharing it with? do you know those people? It's scary to think alot of people log on to Facebook and twitter and happily share their lives with people they've never met and will never meet. Of course not everyone out there is a Chany, that's something I have come to realise, but with the internet being so easily accessed.. how much should we share online?

Bean xo

Archie's birth

I was planning on getting this up and posted up on Archie's first birthday but I have been super busy over the last few days that I've had not had the chnace to do so. Today Archie is 1 year and 2 days old, it's crazy to think this time last year he was this tiny little boy..

Archie's birth -

28.09.13 (5 days over due)

I woke up at 7am for the school run, it was a Friday and Eva had been in school full time since Monday. I didn't feel well at all, but that was normal nothing to worry about. I put it down to the fact I hadn't had any breakfast yet. The day carried on as normal, my tummy ache stayed all day.. when Sean got back from work he took Eva over to her grandparents for the evening so I could relax. I decided to have a bubble bath, as the bath was fulling up I went to the loo, this is when I lost my plug. Excited I rang my mum before having the most unrelaxing bath ever! Seriously I was like a whale trapped on a beach I could hardly move!

29.09.13 (6 days over)

At 12am I woke up in pain, a very sore period type pain mixed with the need to have a poop. I had been waking to this pains most nights and normally it was just from needing the loo so I went to the loo first. When I got back to bed I couldn't sleep, the pains were very uncomfy and it was now that I realised I was most likely in labour! Eva was in bed with me as she was feeling unwell and Sean had fallen asleep watching a film down on the sofa, I didn't want to wak anyone up so I lay on the bed for a while and timed the pains. They were every 2 minutes and very intense, by 12:30am I decided it was probably best to wake up Sean and get Eva ready to go to her granparents. Sean's dad was meant to drive over to collect Eva while Sean went to get my mum however he totally ignored me when I told him not have a drink the night before as I'd told him that so many times and nothing had come of it. Instead he'd had a few drinks so couldn't drive over. Eva was still fast to sleep so Sean collected my mum to sit with me while he took Eva over to his parents. My mum arrived at around 1am and begins timing contractions. They were now every minute but I wasn't in that much pain, I managed to pack the rest of my hospital bag while contracting, managing by stopping where I was and breathing in and out. My mum told me afterwards she was panicing by that point so rang the hopital for me just to give herself something to do. After speaking to the midwife I was told to come in right away, Sean hadn't yet got back from his parents so we had to wait.

Around 2am Sean and my mum attempt to get me into the car, I sit in the back and Sean shuts the door.. right away  a huge contraction hits and I scream at Sean to let me out. I felt the baby move down and the urge to push started. Him and my mum both ignore me and tell me "calm down" to which i replied the baby is coming now, get me out of this car" Sean opens the door and I jump out saying ring 999. Both of them are trying to get me back in the car but I start walking to house and start to panic as nobody is listening to me (I woke my neighbours up at this point) Sean finally opens the front door and I rush in sit down on the floor and scream again as another contration hits and I push.. my mum grabs a towel and lays it on the floor just in time as my water's explide everywhere. I took off my PJ bottoms and pants and sit with my bum in the ait and my head on the floor while Sean rings 999.. I don't hear much of the converstion apart from Sean saying "No I'll wait for the paramedics thanks.." then handing the phone to my mum and running out the room (turns out the lady on the other end was telling him he might need to help me give birth!) I am in full panic mode now, swearing at the women on the telephone who tells me all about her labour with her children which I honestly couldn't give a hoot about at that point in time. At 2:10am the first response paramedic arrives. He calms me down within seconds, grabs a towel and covers me up before having a look and getting back on his radio. He hooks up the gas and air and hands it to me. I turn to lay on my back and start sucking on that thing like no tomorrow. It does nothing so I throw it to the side and concentrate on pushing. 2:15am the Amblance arrives with two more paramedics. The first responder tells them that I won't make it to hospital and the midwife is on her way out. I relax even more now and concentrate on giving birth. It's 2:30am by the time the midwife arrives, she makes me feel at ease within seconds, I concentrate on her and what's she's saying and block out everything and everyone else in the room. After 10 minutes of pushing the midwife smiles at me and says "I can see baby's head and there's lots of hair" This urges me on and after 2 more big pushes at 2:42am Archie makes his arrival into the world, and poops all over the poor midwife! Before being place on my chest. At 8lb 8oz he was a big boy, but perfect. Infact nobody thought to check if we had a boy or grl until I'd pushed the afterbirth out 3 minutes later! I went into shock afterwards, my body went numb and I started to shake, Archie was taken off me and given to Sean while they sat me up got me some water took my obs. I wasn't allowed a bath until about 9am and it was all I wanted to do as I felt so sweaty and dirty. I requested some toast and the midwife made me some, it was the first meal I'd had in months that didn't make me feel ill.

A few funny moments.

My mum had been sitting on the floor next to me and got cramp and was moaning how painful it was. Half way through pushing I told her "Well I'm in labour I win" which made everyone laugh!.

I grabbed my mum's arm and hold on it so hard as Archie's head was coming out that I left her with a bruise shaped like my fingers which was there for a week after!

Bean xo

My pregnancy with Archie

[You can read trimester one here and trimester two here]

Third Trimester.

Week 28.

Today I had my midwife appointment and I am now feeling a little overwhelmed. My bloods came back to show my Iron levels have dropped even lower, the midwife is very concerned about this. She was talking about seeing a consultant and having a blood transfusion which is very terrifing. She's hoping my Iron levels will improve over the next two weeks, but if they drop another 0.2 then she'll be refurring me. As well as this my bump is a little too small meaning a growth scan was booked in for some time in the next week. Until then they are going to monitor my pregnancy a little closer to ensure bug's growth is good.

Week 29.

It has been stupidly hot this week, I feel so hot all the time, there's no escape from it. I hate hot weather at the best of times but it's just making me feel ill. I had my growth scan today, and everything was fine. They are putting the smaller measurment down to the way Bug was lay. It was such a relief! Seeing Bug was amazing as always. Again he has grown so much, he's huge! It's slightly getting me nervous about labour now.

Week 30.

Another midwife appointment - this one was to just double check Bug's growth, even though the scan confirmed he is growing perfectly this was just to double check. He is back to grwoing perfectly so yay! I'm getting alot of pains in my hips and legs, it's made working so much more harder. Physio may be an option but at this point I am going to try some of my own ways and the midwife's advice and see if any of it helps.

Week 34.

I saw the midwife again on Monday. As always I was measured and thankfully bug has carried on growing at a good rate. He's head down now, it's amazing because I can feel what part of his body is where. I know his feet are in / around my ribs as I'm always getting kicked in them! My bloods have got a little better, but seem to drop very quickly. I'm told once baby is born I have to have another lot of blood taken just to check I don't need a blood transfusion. My midwife is convinced I'll be going into labour very soon but I personally think this little bug is going to keep me waiting!

Week 35.

Back in hospital but this time strapped to a monitor. This little Bug likes to scare us! I haven't had movements in a while, second the machine is put on Bug started to dance. The machine was also picking up contractions (or braxton hicks we never did find out which) I couldn't feel them though but it was very strange. 

Week 36.

I'm writing this from a hopital bed. It's Tuesday evening and I have just admitted into hospital with all the signs of a stroke. It's been a pretty scary evening to say the least but I have regained the feeling in my left side now and I am just left with this awful headache which the nurses can't seem to shift. I had my bloods taken as soon as I arrived and had them redone about an hour ago. Everything was set for me to go home and then a second doctor arrived and told me it was too risky to send me home so I have been admitted while they set up a MRI brain scan in the morning..

(wednesday) MRI scan went well, I hope to god I never need to have one of those again. I've had more blood taken - the joy - and it's come back showing inflammation levels in my blood which at normal are around 5O.. mine were in the 7O's? I have no clue what any of it means, but I have to spend another night here.

(Thursday) FINALLY HOME. MRI scan came back normal and my bloods were fine so I was sent home yay!

Week 38.

I am fully engaged and told bug could arrive at any moment! It's just hit me how close I am to holding him in my arms. Once again the midwife has told me she's sure this is going to be our last appointment but I don't know. Eva may have been early but I have a feeling this one won't be.

Week 40.

I am still pregnant, and if someone asks me again I shall stick cocktail sticks in their eyes. It's honestly the most annoying question EVER. "Still no baby" "still hanging on is he?" "Have you not had it yet?" "what are you, like 42 weeks now". Sweep booked in for the 29th, I'm just enjoying the final weeks sickness and pain free. Come on baby

Bean xo

Reminiscing.

In the run up to Archie's first bithday I have found myself looking through old photos and reminiscing. Is it really almost time for him to hit those toddler years? I will miss him being that tiny new born. I will miss his baby smell and I will miss his cute baby noises, but I look forward to the big adventure we have ahead of us and I cannot wait for my first conversation with him. So I am sharing with you just a few of the early day photos that I haven't shared online as of yet. 

Bean xo

My pregnancy with Archie.

[You can read the first trimester here]

Second Trimester.

Week 15.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly sad, this pregnancy has all of a sudden began to zoom by I'm starting to feel like I can't enjoy each tiny moment because of it. I had a lovely birthday meal, first time in a while I have managed to eat more then just soup. Today we decided on baby names for bug. Boy : Archie Mark ; Mark after my big brother and Archie was a name we found in a baby book and both love! Girl : Afia Susan ; Susan after Sean's mum and Afia is a name we heard and both loved (I forget where though) I have also ordered our pushchair. Mama and Papa's moove (It is no longer avilable to buy through Mama and Papa's) which is making me even more excited, I feel very happy.

Week 16.

We heard bug's heartbeat for the first time today, it was magical. The midwife has suggested we look into home birthing due to the speed of Eva's arrival. I love the idea, Sean isn't so keen so we are going to do some more research on it. My blood work came back fine, no low iron which I am happy about. I have been trying hard to eat a more healthy balanced diet this time - although with sickness it has been difficult at times. On the 11th (April) I felt Bug's first kicks. I'd been having the butterfly movements since around 10 weeks, but feeling kicks has been amazing! 

Week 20.

I regret drinking so much before the scan, I was concentrating so hard on not wetting myself that I couldn't enjoy the scan as much as I wanted. Bug looked huge! It's quite amazing how quickly they grow. I was amazed with how detailed the scan was, we were able to see all parts of the brain and heart which was very reasuring. We also have a baby with super long legs! We didn't want to know the sex, the scanner was very good at quickly going past this part so we didn't catch sight of something. I'm convinced I'm having a boy, if she's a girl I would be very shocked!

Week 21.

Ice. Ice lollys. Ice cream. Crave! My sickness is improving every day. I have manage to eat normal meals without being sick. I've found things like bread and creamy things tend to make me sick so I've been avoiding them. Heart burn has been a killer though, I'm dusted off the bottle of Gaviscon I have in the back of a medical cuboard. Sean's been sent to buy loads of it too, need to keep my cuboard full stocked.

Week 23. 

I ended up in hospital this week, I hadn't felt Bug move for a few

days and although I was told this is "normal" at this stage I certainly wasn't taking any risks. I had some checks and then sent home. They don't put you on the monitor until your over 24 weeks which I find horrifing.

Week 24.

Another bad week. I passed out at work today. It was awful, thankfully though I work in a hospital so I was surrounded by nurses. Although I wanted to carry on working the nurse told me I wouldn't be able to. I was driven to my mum's house and there I kept on being sick. I lost the feeling in my left hand, my vision blurred and my hearing went like I was under water. It was very scary.

Week 26.

I was forced to take a few nights off work this week following yet more dizzy spells. The doctor took my blood pressure and told me it was quite low and when I stood up it dropped even more which is what's causing the dizzy spells. He also took my blood and it turned my Iron levels are very low, so I'm on iron tablets now.

Bean xo